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Money Jokes - 1


Bank Loan to park the Car


A businessman walked in to a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow  $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"




Paying back the Money





Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.


While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.


While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"


The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."



Donation for the Burial Service




A dog died, and the owner went to his pastor and said: Pastor, my dog is dead, could there be a service for the poor creature? The pastor replied,


"I'm afraid not. We cannot have a service for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road,and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the animal; u can go and find out"! The man answered innocently, "I'll go right away pastor ... but do you think they will accept a donation of $100,000 as being enough in return for the burial service?" The pastor exclaimed


"Ooh!... Why didn't you tell me the dog was a christian?



The Bet



A blond and a redhead are in a bar watching the ten 'o' clock news where a guy is threatening to jump off a 20 story building. 


The blond bets the redhead 50 bucks that he won't jump and the redhead bets he will.


 They see him jump. The redhead says, "I can't except the money because I saw him jump on the six 'o' clock news",


But the blond says, "No, take it. I saw him jump on the six 'o' clock news too, I didn't think he would jump again!"




Loan for Mouse

So a mouse wants to buy a house, because he's tired of getting chased from his mousehole by the cat. So he contacts several real estate agents in his area, browses classified ads, and finally selects a home in a good neighborhood with access to school and shopping.



The initial asking price seems a little high, but the owner is willing to come down enough to fit the mouse's needs. So the mouse goes to a bank to get a home loan, and the loan officer turns him down.


He tries another bank, same thing. Another bank, same thing.


"I see how it is," the mouse finally says at the fourth bank.
"You won't give me a loan because I'm a mouse!" 


And the loan officer says "No, we won't give you a loan because you have a history of delinquent accounts, you defaulted on your student loans, and your credit cards already eat up a third of your discretionary income!"







A Dollar per Point



A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. 


The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." 


The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.







Millionaire



A woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband a millionaire."


"Well what was he before he married you?" the friend asked.


"A billionaire."






Saving Money

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father.


"Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand".


" Good", my dad quickly replied.  " Wash it again!"



God's Time And Money



A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God,
"How long is 10 million years to you?" 


God replied, "1 second." 


The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?" 


And God replied, "A penny."


Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"


And God replied, "Just wait a sec."




Female intelligence

A man, who loved money more than just about anything, said just before he died to his wife, 

"Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me".

When he died she did what she had promised, came over with the money box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and rolled it away. So her friend said,

"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said,

"Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."  

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

 "I sure did," said the wife.

 "I wrote him a check."



Stepmother

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died. He decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.


Her natural beauty took his breath away.


"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."


Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.


Three days later, she became his stepmother.



Too Expensive

A man was walking down the street when he saw a woman with the perfect, and I mean PERFECT, breasts he'd ever seen.He walked up to her and said, 


"Ma'am, you have erfect breasts, and I will pay you $100 to bite them."


The woman was horrified and began to walk away.


The man caught her and said, "Alright, I'll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts." 


Still horrified, the woman began to run away.The man caught her again and said, 


"Fine. I'll pay you $10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more."


The woman then thinks that $10,000 will be worth it, so she finally agreed. They went into a deserted alley away from the city action. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing the perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and everything to the woman's breasts EXCEPT biting them.


The woman then said, "Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!" 


The man replied, "Nah, too expensive."

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