Robbery
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the urprised thug said
"Why did you put up such a fight?"
To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"
Congregation
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
Golf Balls
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.
The husband said,
" I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer."
The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said
"I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer.?"
The husband replied,
" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them."
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
Appendicitis
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes,
"If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says,
"If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,"
And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says,
"If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork pull out the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing.
"See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
The kidnap
A blonde desperately needed some money, so she decided to kidnap someone. So she went to the park and she grabbed this kid.
Then she wrote a note saying,
Then she wrote a note saying,
"If you ever want to see your child again, leave 10,000 dollars in a paper bag in the northwest corner of the park."
Then she signed it 'THE BLONDE' and told the kid to give it to his mom.The next day she went to the northwest corner of the park and got the paper bag.
It had the money in it and a note from the mother that said,
"How could you do this to another blonde?"
The New CEO
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!The CEO walks up to the guy and asks,
"And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies,
"I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams,
"Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!".
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Cost of Marriage
"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
The Lottery Win
A man bursts into his house and yells,
"Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"
She says,
"Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies,
"I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
Change for a Dollar
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
I Paid
Money
It can buy a House............But not a Home
It can buy a Bed..............But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock............But not Time
It can buy you a Book.........But not Knowledge
It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health
It can buy you Sex............But not Love
So you see money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend,
and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering.
So send me all your money..........
And I will suffer for you.
CASH ONLY PLEASE!!!